FBI Chainsaws Wrong Door During Morning Drug Raid

Fitchburg, MA – A Massachusetts woman experienced the business end of an FBI chainsaw when she made the mistake of renting an apartment in the same building and floor as a suspected drug dealer.

Fitchburg - long considered the Medellín of the Northeast - was the scene of a massive citywide drug and weapons gang raid last Thursday. At 6AM, just before Judy Sanchez’ alarm was set to go off, she heard a pounding outside her second floor apartment.  This prompted her to get out of bed to investigate.

“I just happened to glance over and saw this huge chainsaw ripping down the side of my [apartment] door,” Sanchez explained. “And I was freaking out. I didn’t know what was going on.”

As soon as the chainsaw had cut through most of her door, a member of the FBI arrest team kicked it in.

“That’s when I heard the clicking of a gun and I heard ‘FBI, get down!’, so I laid right on down.”

The FBI reportedly told the woman to get control of her three-month-old pit bull puppy, which she did. The woman then described the frightened puppy peeing itself - presumably because the puppy was aware of latitude that has been granted to federal law enforcement agencies in recent years. The woman added she spent the next 35 minutes laying in contact with the dog’s urine while her toddler daughter ‘screamed’ for her from the next room.

After a period of time, the agents realized that the intended subject of their 2 year-long investigation lived in apartment 2F. Sanchez, her daughter, and their constitutionally-aware puppy live in apartment 2R. Oopsie.

“The looks on their faces when they knew they got the wrong door was priceless,” Sanchez said. “They looked at each other dumbfounded.”

You will be pleased to know that the FBI arrest team did get their suspect. …and, according to reports, they didn’t even damage his door…

Blog comments powered by Disqus