Man Accused Of Sexually Assaulting ATM, Picnic Table -

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Man Accused Of Sexually Assaulting ATM, Picnic Table

Murfreesboro, TN –A 49-year-old man was taken into custody late last week, charged with public intoxication, after he was seen bumping uglies with an ATM and a picnic table. Giggity.

Sex machine Lonnie Hutton reportedly walked into The Boro Bar & Grille Friday evening, and headed straight to the ATM. Then, according to witnesses, Hutton dropped his pants and undies, exposing his genitals, and attempted to make sweet, sweet love to the money machine.

No word on whether an actual deposit was made…..

When he was finished, Hutton then moseyed around the bar for a while, his junk just a bouncin’ and a swingin’, making thrusting motions with his hips, witnesses told police.

He was promptly escorted outside.

When police arrived on scene, Hutton was ordered to sit his drunk ass down at a picnic table while they collected information from the reporting party. It was then that Hutton allegedly disrobed and attempted to get his freak on with the table.

Hutton was arrested after being deemed a danger to himself and 90% of the inanimate objects within his field of vision. Bond was set at $250.

Speaking of picnic table fuckers, raise your hand if you remember Art Price. One of my faves, that one. If you have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about, click right here. Enjoy.

Couple Arrested For Having Sexy Time On Church Lawn -

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Couple Arrested For Having Sexy Time On Church Lawn

Salt Lake City, UT — A couple of lovebirds were arrested Saturday after being found engaged in oral sex on the front lawn of the Sacred Heart Catholic Church… in front of an icked out wedding party that included a few kiddos. Darling, no?

According to the police report, Officer Rich Stone was flagged down by a member of said wedding party that evening. The lucky bastid got to witness, all up close and personal, the sexy that was the pairing of 60-year-old Sandra Kruser and 56-year-old Wilson Benally.

Stone spotted the pair writhing around on the lawn, and when he approached, got quite an eyeful. Benally, Stone reported, “had his tongue and finger inside of Ms. Krusen’s vagina.” No… giggity…

Stone reportedly demanded the couple separate, but they refused. Poor cop had to “pry” the two apart. Oh my god, the visuals…

Both were charged with gross lewdness and public intoxication. Benally was additionally charged with criminal trespass. Bond was set at $2,313 for Benally, and $2,093 for Kruser. According to The Smoking Gun, Benally has been locked up in the county jail no fewer than 102 times — Kruser has been a guest on at least 15 different occasions.

Drunk Woman Shows Up Naked To Visit Jailed Husband, Gets Her Own Cell -

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Drunk Woman Shows Up Naked To Visit Jailed Husband, Gets Her Own Cell

Reston, VA – An inebriated 26-year-old woman was arrested Saturday evening after allegedly showing up at the Arlington Magistrate’s Office in her birthday suit, hoping to see her recently incarcerated hubby.

It is unclear as to whether Maura Fussell had been clothed at some point before entering the building, or whether she arrived all nekkid. Either way, she was bare. And drunk.

Officers apparently gave her many opportunities to put some damn clothes on, or at least take a cab home, but Fussell reportedly refused.

That refusal earned her an overnight stay at the old Graybar Hotel. She’s been charged with indecent exposure and drunk in public. I’m assuming they released her after she sobered up a bit.

No word on what landed hubby in the slammer.

Naked Woman High On Xanax Arrested In Tennessee Walmart -

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Naked Woman High On Xanax Arrested In Tennessee Walmart

Harriman, TN — Angelia Maria Mayo, 29, got herself banned from Walmart for life, and is facing numerous charges after some naked shenanigans Tuesday.

Mayo allegedly popped some Xanax, then headed to Walmart for some new clothes, makeup and jewelry. Initially seen by loss prevention officers in the store, Mayo had been filling a trash bag with items pilfered from the shelves totaling $1,148.67. She then stumbled into the clothing section, removed the clothes she wore into the store, dumped them into a trash can and stood in the aisle, naked, looking for some new threads.

By the time officers arrived, Mayo was apparently disoriented and didn’t know where she was. According to Officer Charles Haubrich’s report, “Her speech was slurred, she was unsteady on her feet, couldn’t hold her head up, and her pupils were like pin holes.” Classy.

Not long afterward, a female officer arrived on the scene to escort Mayo into a dressing room and assist her in changing back into the clothes she arrived in. Not surprisingly, 36 Xanax pills were allegedly recovered from Mayo’s purse, of which she admitted to taking two of before the incident. Xanax is prescribed for anxiety for those who aren’t familiar, so it only makes sense one would dose themselves heavily before entering a Tennessee Walmart this close to Christmas.

Mayo was arrested on scene and later charged with theft, possession of controlled substances, public indecency, public intoxication, criminal trespassing and an added escape charge for slipping one of her hands out of her handcuffs while being transported to jail.

Man Jailed After Pissing On Nearly $800 Worth Of Radio Shack Electronics -

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Man Jailed After Pissing On Nearly $800 Worth Of Radio Shack Electronics

Man Jailed After Pissing On Nearly $800 Worth Of Radio Shack ElectronicsParagould, AR — A 65-year-old man was jailed last weekend after he allegedly walked into a Radio Shack and started pissing all over the place.

When police made contact with the alleged pisser, John Posey, he appeared to be intoxicated. His eyes were bloodshot, he was unsteady on his feet, and he apparently reeked of booze. Oh yeah, and his fly was unzipped. Dead giveaway….

Posey initially told police he was just doing a little shopping and denied urinating on stuff. The officer called bullshit after being directed to a large, stinky wet spot on the carpet.

Posey eventually ‘fessed. When questioned as to why he didn’t just use the friggin’ restroom, Posey reportedly stated that “stores usually won’t let you, so I didn’t ask.” And well, he had to “pee bad.” Logic.

A Radio Shack employee told police that Posey caused about $800 in damages – his urine landed on some boxes containing televisions and various audio equipment. In addition to that, some carpet tiles are going to need replacing…. to the tune of about $117.

Posey was booked on charges of criminal mischief and public intoxication.

Carpet Munching, You’re Doing It Wrong? -

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Carpet Munching, You’re Doing It Wrong?

Louisville, KY — Meet Jeffery Wagner, carpet muncher extraordinaire. Well, kinda….

Mr. Wagner was taken into custody on various charges after a peculiar incident at a Burlington Coat Factory in Louisville earlier this week.

According to the police report, officers found the 50-year-old Wagner on his hands and knees in the shoe department, picking at lint in the carpet and eating it. Much to my disappointment, he was apparently fully clothed at the time.

When officers made contact with Wagner, they noted his dilated eyes, slurred speech and unsteady gait. A search of his person revealed a little of this and a little of that – officers found bags of Lortabs, some unknown pills, crystal meth and an unknown white powder.

Wagner reportedly admitted to having smoked a little meth before venturing into the department store. He’s been charged with possession of a controlled substance and public intoxication.

Man Apprehended With BAC Seven Times The Legal Limit

Valparaiso, IN - In an obvious bid to secure a place in the Guinness Book of World Records for drunkenness, a northwest Indiana man was apprehended by police with a blood-alcohol level of 0.552 percent – or roughly seven times the legal limit.

Police say that on Saturday afternoon, a woman reported seeing a man - later identified as James Henderson, 28 - laying on the side of a road. EMS noted that Henderson had several bruises and responding officers reported that Henderson made a “barely-coherent” statement about getting hit by a truck. Police have not yet confirmed whether Henderson was in fact struck by a vehicle.

Henderson faces public intoxication charges as soon as he is released from the hospital. If his release is pending sobriety, he may have some time yet…

It has been reported that Henderson has a ‘history of alcohol-related charges.’ Sadly, it appears that the positive side of his drunkenness has been underreported. Let’s hope that this achievement will change all of that.

Man Charged After Trying To Pay For Lap Dance With Crack, Assaulting Police

Austin, TX — Ricardo Luna, 26, was arrested outside of the XTC Men’s Club early Sunday morning, after police say he attempted to pay for his lap dance with crack cocaine.

According to the criminal complaint, deputies were dispatched to the club around 4:00 that morning, after receiving a report claiming Luna tried to pay for his lap dance with crack. While speaking with a bouncer at the club, police learned Luna kicked a member of the security staff and started screaming racial slurs as he was being escorted out of the establishment.

An intoxicated Luna was hesitant about being seated in the back of the patrol car, but complied after being threatened with a tasin’.

On the way to the cop shop, police say Luna began kicking the right rear door in an attempt to escape. The arresting officer then pulled the car over and attempted to secure Luna’s legs with a tarp. He was apparently unsuccessful, and another officer ended up getting kicked in the chest three times. As one officer held Luna’s chest to keep him from headbutting everyone, Luna spit a mixture of blood and saliva on to one of the deputy’s arms and legs, reportedly laughing as he did so.

The officers managed to secure Luna without beating the ever-loving shit out of him, and continued on their way to the cop shop. As they drove, Luna bashed his head against the metal cage until he passed out in the back seat.

Luna’s been booked on charges of retaliation, resiting arrest and harassment of a public servant. Bond was set at $20,000.

No word on whether police found any crack in his possession.